Avinash

I escaped it for a while. I'm not sure why everything has become so overwhelming lately. I've been backtracking a lot lately. Trying to figure out where i start to waver, but i can seem to find the instances. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's an excuse, i'm not really sure. Well, whatever, everything will pass by as usual. I refuse to let time take me over anymore.

For a while I've felt like parts of me died a while ago, but slowly i'm realizing that those parts of me are just sleeping, waiting to be shaken awake by something that will trigger them. Lately all my friends have really been there for me, and i love them all more than they know for that. I don't think I've ever had a bunch i was so close with that i could tell them as much as i do, and hang out with them as much as i do. I treasure every moment with them because i feel like they respect me, and that's really cool. It's pretty awesome that i can respect them the same. As much as they've made the experiences in present times the best of my life, i still feel like something is missing. I'm not sure whether it's because i feel like i haven't reciprocated enough, or just that loneliness kicks in every once in a while, more often than it should.

I feel kind of restricted, like i can't give all of myself to someone anymore. Maybe i'm just scared to let go anymore. It really sucks to put everything you have into making something work and then having it all be for nothing in the end. That's a life lesson that's not fun to learn again and again. It's not the best feeling to have so much to give and have no one there to receive any of it. Maybe it's not even worth it to write this. I've lost my train of thought, i'll shut up about this now.

Maybe i just need a de-stresser day with a couple friends to do something relaxing. Everyone keeps talking about it, let's pick some dates and run with them. Maybe a city trip, or something cool, i don't know. I'm done.

My life is kind of like a reverse blade sword. The odds are all against me because my back is against the wall. In the clash, I'm at the disadvantage because both blades face in my direction. I'm tired of fighting. Its sad that the only peace i get is the in betweens that exist after the previous battle but before the next. I can't take the head games anymore. I wish i knew what freedom was. I'm given the key to the door but the lock is on the other side. Infinite is a word i hate and love at the same time. Infinite is the amount of unanswered questions. Infinite exists to play the head games i hate so much. Of all the qualities i hate and love about infinite though, the one i admire the most is that the word infinite exists to combat perfection in its socially accepted definition. Infinite is a term that's hard to understand, like a reverse blade. With a reverse blade, the battle cannot be won by the sword, only by the wielder. I just wish i could take control at some point, but until then I'm forced to keep fighting until my truth is found.